the hurricane i'll never outrun
by menz815
Summary: a Kate character study about three of the men she loved in her life and why it hurt so much to love them. Jate.


you're the finest thing that i've done

the hurricane i'll never outrun

i could wait around for the dust to still

but i don't believe that it ever will

--Hurricane, The Hush Sound

"You can't help who you love Katherine."

He was the boy from across the cornfield, your secret get-away in a life that seemed to always circle back to one inevitable truth. Amongst the long stalks of corn under an endless blue sky, he'd speak of the future; sixteen years old, a dreamer, the man you clung to, your hope. Cloud gazing, he looked upwards; you looked to him. As you ran your hands over his soon bare chest, you felt the inevitability of it. Yours lives on separate tracks, on separate trains. You were craving to push full steam ahead, for the train to crash and burst into a fiery inferno. Reaching lower, you longed to feel him inside you, to know that despite the emptiness you felt inside that one day you could feel full. But as you slowly worked on the button on his jeans, he stopped you. Some dreams only belong in the clouds.

A doctor, a husband, a father. But he was still your Tom. The same twinkle and boyishness in his eyes. Under the familiar oak tree, listening to the former vestiges of your selves, it was easy.

And yet it was hard.

As you ran from his lifeless body, you felt as if fate was punishing you for letting yourself believe you could ever be loved in return.

* * *

He pulled you over for speeding; your heart was beating so fast, you could hardly breathe. And then he came to the window, and suddenly your nervousness vanished. He smiled and barely glanced at your license and registration. Fifteen minutes later you had a date and a warning; you couldn't decide which made you happier.

It was easy to fall for Kevin; it was in the way he looked at you, the way he seemed to understand your truest desires, things that you yourself never allowed yourself to dream of. And yet, he would never know that part of you, that girl that was born to run, that could never be good despite all her best intentions. You accepted his marriage proposal selfishly, knowing in the end you would break his heart. But you were also impulsive, and for a time, you convinced yourself that it could work.

As he lay on the floor months later and you pressed the gold chain into his hand, you crumpled under the weight of a thousand realizations. A criminal marrying a cop. A fugitive trying futilely to stay in one place. It was all just a fairy tale, a fantasy; even as a child you didn't believe in such things.

You would never deserve that feeling – _love _– and all it had to offer.

* * *

He was your future. You knew this from the moment you saw him through the trees, your wrists raw and painful, a reminder of all that you were. But in that moment, he seemed to know you better than even you did. He knew that you would never run from him, and for the first time in your life, you stopped wanting to.

But now here you were, hundreds of whispered I love yous and thousands of intoxicating kisses later, and still the man who saw right through you, the man you couldn't help but love despite all his flaws and transgressions was slowly drifting from your hands. Like sand seeping through your fingertips, impossible to stop.

You had to learn how to walk away all over again.

_You can't help who you love Katherine._ Her words seemed to come to you now more than ever. But loving Jack was a whole different kind of pain then loving Wayne had ever been for her mother. He never intentionally meant to hurt you, and yet he did time and time again. Destiny was his bride and you could only watch him as he marched assuredly to his fate.

_I hope you find what you are looking for._ You said. You never meant to turn back that one last time to look at him. Every time you ran away, you never looked into the rear view window. This time was different; this time you weren't sure you'd ever be able to let go.

You soaked in his face, remembered birthday parties and funerals, tangled sheets, the steadiness of his hand on your back. Remembered the strength of his shoulders and his stubbornness. Remembered the way you loved him despite _(because of)_ it all.

And as you walked away, you wished with all your heart that you were the destiny he was looking for.

* * *

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